*Metaphysics : The branch of philosophy dealing with first principles, including abstract concepts like being, knowing, substance, cause, identity, time, and space.

David Raffin is a Metaphysicist*, Post-Humorist, & Performer.

“Man is not the only animal known to practice cannibalism. He is, however, the only animal capable of arranging it on a plate so it is pleasing to the eye.”

“The adage ‘It’s only fun until someone loses an eye’ isn’t true...

The fun quotient is exactly the same- your viewpoint is skewed.”

David Raffin Quotes:

“Shopkeepers everywhere still celebrate the day before Xmas, ‘The right to refuse service to anyone for any reason day.’  

There was plenty of room at the inn. They just wanted to set a strong precedent.”

“Big Brains = Procrastination. Nature develops intellect for the express purpose of procrastination. The bigger the brain the less you get done. Neanderthal Man had a brain on average 400 cc’s larger than modern man- but he never built or offered for sale any model of electric toothbrush.

Now, with a small brain, not only can you have evil thoughts, you’re free to act on them. That’s why our ancestors killed Neanderthal man; and that’s why today, man can put weapons in space but he can’t solve simple social problems or distribute electricity, health care, or property in an efficient manner.

Bad Homo Sapiens, no grog!”

“I buy all my shirts at half- off, due to the fact that they’re irregular. Not irregular due to production glitches, but because they have deviant thoughts.”

Depression is an epidemic in America.

Western medicine defines “the depressed” as those suffering from a “lack of desire.”

Meanwhile, in The East, Buddhism teaches that life is suffering; that suffering is caused by desire; therefore, in order to stop suffering you must quell your desire.

If you have a “lack of desire” in a Buddhist culture you are “enlightened.”

Meanwhile, in the west, you're just sick. Sorry.

“I hate muppets.

Not the occasional muppet,

or the


but all muppets,


without regard to color.”

A pigeon is hardly a meal for a man, but a man can feed many pigeons. Pragmatic.

Baby food rarely contains babies. Truth in advertising.

Chopsticks can be dangerous. Especially when you look at them close. The warning in tiny print on the tip of each one is there for a reason.

Goodnight. We are one step closer to getting it right. Or failure. Or, of course, stagnation. Sweet dreams.

Government should fund the Opera habit so people don't have to score Opera on the streets. On the back of napkins & envelopes. Sad.

Have decided to create army of flying monkeys. Purely with altruistic intentions. This is how it always starts. Slippery slope.

How did the ancients make a profit? Same as today. Pyramid schemes.

Hyenas laugh at you, not with you. You specifically. True.

I am at one with the universe. It saves on parking.

I am nostalgic for nostalgia, yet I refuse to live in the past!

I came here looking for trouble but instead found only fuss and bother. Disappointed.

I do not wish to be addressed as "sir." I have never been knighted. I wear the armor only because it suits me.

I don't normally eat meat, but Chupacabra is delicious.

It should go without saying that when I say "Chupacabra is delicious" I mean wild, not farmed. Go without saying? Too late.

I had a fish who was a comedian. I quickly tired of his fish shtick.

I like you so much, if I were a zombie I would try not to eat your brain. Understand, I make no promises.

I prefer to hug machines. So cold. Softly whirring cogs and gears. Comforting. Perhaps 'tis my upbringing?

I punched a 6-year-old once. He deserved it. Wait, that sounds bad if I don't mention I was also 6.

I thought with a candle in my mouth I would resemble a Jack-O-Lantern. Oh, how wrong I was.

I'm Blind as a bat. I echolocate via sonar.

If offered Turkish Delight I will succumb to evil.

Helpful tip if you are recruiting for evil.

If you lose an appointment you are then disappointed. Is it better to be ordained or preordained? If preordained, no need to show up.

If you procrastinate while writing a book about procrastination you are doing research; thus, not procrastinating. Research is faulty.

It's all fun and games until the villagers burn down your house and chase you with pitchforks. But it's worth it, for science.

Mother was a clown. I never understood if this makes me half-clown, or if clown is passed through maternal lineage and thus full clown.

Nothing bad has ever happened to me on Friday the 13th. Except for that one time at camp. That was an anomaly.

Once I tamed a wild cat. I also have a wild bear experience, not involving a unicycle. Should this be on my resume?

People who say, "It's all good" are either overly optimistic or have very low standards.

Planned birth children are entirely too smug. Those non-bastards.

Sometimes lies are all we have to cling to. Lies, and sometimes velcro. Before velcro it was just lies. These were the dark ages.

The cure for fear. Fight an alligator. It will be me dressed as an alligator, but I am just as mean. Course cost: $1399 + materials.

The Humbug is a very fine bug. He plays along even though he doesn't know the words.

The people in the mirror seem well-adjusted. Are you sure we are not living in the evil mirror universe?

The sun rises and sets in the wrong place. No, wait, now I sound uneducated. The Earth, in fact, spins in the wrong direction.

There are no bird's eyes in Bird's Eye Brand Frozen Vegetables. But the important thing is that it tastes like there are. Brand identity.

There is a downward spiral. Is there an upward spiral? It sounds bad too.

Understand: I am out to get you BECAUSE you're paranoid. Causality.

VooDoo is not just an economic system. It's also how I raise armies of old-style zombies.

Wallets are just a scheme wherein they sucker us into carrying ID. And cash.

If you truly loved freedom you’d stop wearing pants.

Went to store, helped up an old man who fell down. Isn't it always so? You tend to pick up more than you came for at the store.

When a hedonist says, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," are they just saying that for the pleasure of saying it?

Young Don Quixote begins tilting at windmills in grammar school. Teacher puts a stop to it. Did you bring enough windmills for everyone?

Caravaggio sighed dramatically. It was true. He was baroque.


It's true. I'm Single. There is only one of me.

Søren Kierkegaard was a Great Dane. I am not.

There are always grapes on my table. They are made of glass. That's hospitality.