I looked at the items assembled upon the table. I said to my partner, “These are the raw ingredients for trouble.”
He said, “Not to worry. They have to be assembled in exactly the correct order. At exactly the right temperature. For exactly the right amount of time. Anything less renders them inert.”
Our relief was short-lived. Even as he uttered his last word both our eyes wandered directly to the left. There, sitting upon the counter, open, was a cookbook. It was open to the chapter on trouble.
“Dammit,” uttered my partner. “Is there no end to the misery caused by cookbooks?”
You, like many others, have doubtlessly spent long sleepless nights wondering, “Am I a Swede?”
Now it is possible for you to realize your full family history- from It’s humble beginnings in a young Swede named Leif Haagstrom to your distant cousin of today, the new Deputy Undersecretary to the Assistant Regent of the Communist Party of China, Hu Waang.
Leif, a prolific breeder, has initiated a line of descendants that include not only the Haagstroms and their derivatives, but all people named Bragg, Strommbol, Povorich, O’Riley, Chang, and thousands more.
Through some fluke that is best not explained, he is also the ancestor of every person living today with the first name “Craig.”
If you see a Craig at any time in the journey of life, please grasp him or her firmly to your breast and exclaim, “Cousin!”
In this way we can all learn to appreciate the struggles of our ancestors.
The Craig Foundation.
Please send money.
Doctor: This is really quite serious. Your anxiety is now causing physical symptoms.
Me: I see. Will it break free all those emotions I jailed inside a cardboard box all those years ago?
Doctor: Perhaps. Wait, you did what?
Me: Confined all my emotions to a cardboard box and taped it up.
Doctor: I’m pretty sure you’re never supposed to do that.
Me: Yes, cardboard was a very poor choice. But, in my defense, it held a lot longer than you would think.
Doctor: When you look outside the window do you see something resembling Edvard Munch’s painting The Scream?
Me: Yes. Yes, that is exactly what I see. Isn’t that what everybody sees when they look outside the window?
Me: I also see a pack of wolves attacking a clown.
Doctor: Oh, I’m afraid that is very real. Wolves have to eat.
Doctor: I’m going to put you on an anti- anxiety drug.
Me: My fear is that I need my anxiety. I mean, what if an anti-anxiety drug dulls my ability to fight off a confrontation with a bear?
Doctor: When was the last time you had a confrontation with a bear?
Me: Oh Doctor, you know so little about bears. It is the readiness, at all times, to deal with a bear incursion that wards off bears.