{"id":2557,"date":"2021-02-16T19:19:01","date_gmt":"2021-02-17T03:19:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/?p=2557"},"modified":"2021-02-23T21:00:45","modified_gmt":"2021-02-24T05:00:45","slug":"martin-van-buren-and-the-unwanted-package","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/martin-van-buren-and-the-unwanted-package\/","title":{"rendered":"Martin Van Buren and the unwanted package"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Play\"<\/a><\/div>\n

Podcast: Play in new window<\/a> | Download<\/a> (Duration: 7:36 — 10.4MB)<\/p>

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts<\/a> | Amazon Music<\/a> | Android<\/a> | iHeartRadio<\/a> | Email<\/a> | TuneIn<\/a> | RSS<\/a> | More<\/a><\/p>\n

A charming castPod with a special appearance by Good ol’ Charlie Brown. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was at home and I was not thinking about either Martin Van Buren or the kangaroo. I had real world problems on my mind. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

The kangaroo was famous, for, among other things, having carved a phallic replica he called \u201cMr. Pokey.\u201d He carved it from hardwood. Really bang up job. Intricate. You could see the veins. It stood at about 8 1\/2 inches, which was awkward if you were trying to conceal it. He told everybody it was 8 1\/2 inches, but it was really 7 5\/8. Everybody knew. Man is the measurer of all things. And every one of them, when no one was looking, had measured the thing. Some of them, the ones who were not good at math, consulted each other\u2019s notes. That went just about as well as could be expected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because of the whole issue about concealment, he eventually whittled it down to 3 1\/4. It was never the same.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But he made the bowl that held the weed, which was snuggled, nestled, really, between the cock and the balls, Bigger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And he tried to toke the disappointment away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He was not as popular after he carved the thing down. Who is to say what happened. Let history decide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I said, I was not thinking about him. But when he hopped on over to my place, or rather was delivered by another, secure, as if in their pouch, I ended up calling Martin Van Buren. For help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHey Martin, how\u2019s it hanging?\u201d And there was some small talk. Not about Mr. Pokey. And then I said, \u201cHey Martin I got the kangaroo over here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But that\u2019s not really how it happened. I mean that happened. But it happened an hour or so later. After I had failed to dislodge the kangaroo from my own pouch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So when Martin said, \u201cFuck the kangaroo,\u201d I had to change my tactic. He was not the first person to say Fuck the kangaroo. That day. And I just wanted him to bounce.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The kangaroo came with a military issued shit-bag, so named because it contained all his shit. Notably Mr. Pokey. Nobody wanted to see that little thing. The kangaroo is running on empty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First thing he did was ask me to take him to a garden party. Said they could put him up there. So I put him in my car with his government issued shit-bag. And we took off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But when we got there, people ran into the house. A woman came out. Holding a baby. To prove she meant business. And she looked at me and she nodded and said hello, saying just that, hello and my name. Because she was polite. Then she looked at the kangaroo and said, \u201cYou got a lot of nerve coming around here MotherFucker.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that\u2019s how I learned the back story. Seems there had been a party the night previous and the kangaroo had been present, and drunk. He was also feeding drinks to good ol\u2019 Charlie Brown. After he and good ol\u2019 Charlie Brown got real drunk, wasted, they had a fight over this and that. And the kangaroo, who was an amateur boxer, had gone off and slugged good ol\u2019 Charlie Brown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I pieced this back story together, by listening to the things the woman with the baby was saying. First she came out of the house and she was not angry at me. Rather she was angry at the kangaroo. Everybody today was angry at the kangaroo. And if they weren\u2019t angry at the kangaroo, they would be. Because the kangaroo had gotten his kicks and now the play was turnabout. And she came out and called him a MotherFucker who shouldn\u2019t be showing his face around here again and how dare he. And she waved the baby at him like some sort of a voodoo ritual. That you conduct when you’re confronted with a MotherFucker of his type. And she turned around to walk away, with the baby, when she turned back and said \u201cMotherFucker, you hit good ol\u2019 Charlie Brown. In the face.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It wasn\u2019t a question. It was a statement. I took it as fact. Pegged her as an eyewitness. Her name was Peg, by the way. I tell you this, though you will literally never see her again in this story. But I am not a MotherFucker. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

 I was cleared once in a tribunal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the way, good ol\u2019 Charlie Brown was, in the parlance of the day, special. That\u2019s why people were so angry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So that\u2019s how we ended up, bounced back at my place, me and the kangaroo, who had little in common.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I called Martin Van Buren.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To dump something on someone else\u2019s doorstep. But then we would have a fabulous time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh,\u201d said Martin Van Buren. \u201cLike the good time we had last week when we visited four fast food restaurants in a row, last one being a corporate burger joint where we had just each finished our fourth meal of the afternoon when you left to use the restroom. And the manager of the place, because it had just opened up, was talking to me about employment opportunities. When you came out and said we had to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe had to leave,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBecause you puked in the bathroom,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes,\u201d I said. \u201cAll over the floor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou MotherFucker,\u201d he said. \u201cI could have gotten that job.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t want that job,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And he knew it was true. Especially then. Because he was going to have the nickname \u201cpuke boy\u201d and everything he did wrong the manager was going to say he was raised in a vomitorium. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And so we all headed for the big city.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We drove for 63 miles in silence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And when we got to the city, I hate to break this to you, nobody there wanted the kangaroo. And the kangaroo started pestering us, right off, to bring him back home. But I think you see where this is going. The kangaroo had no home. Because the kangaroo was welcome nowhere. We considered ditching him there. But instead we drove back in silence for 63 miles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I don\u2019t remember how we got rid of the kangaroo. But at some point he bounced.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meanwhile Martin Van Buren became the president of these United States. But you know that story. That MotherFucker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWinner Winner!\u201d & “Amazing Grace” by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSomeone Else\u2019s Memories\u201d & \u201cScattered Knowledge\u201d from the album “The Politics of Desire” by Revolution Void licensed under Creative Commons Attribution License 3.0.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Share:<\/h3>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\"Play\"<\/a><\/div>\n

Podcast: Play in new window<\/a> | Download<\/a> (Duration: 7:36 — 10.4MB)<\/p>

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts<\/a> | Amazon Music<\/a> | Android<\/a> | iHeartRadio<\/a> | Email<\/a> | TuneIn<\/a> | RSS<\/a> | More<\/a><\/p>

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 7:36 — 10.4MB) Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Amazon Music | Android | iHeartRadio | Email | TuneIn | RSS | More A charming castPod with a special appearance by Good ol’ Charlie Brown. I was at home and I was not thinking about either Martin Van Buren or the kangaroo. I had real world problems on my mind. The kangaroo was famous, for, among other things, having carved a phallic replica he called \u201cMr. Pokey.\u201d He carved it from hardwood. Really bang up job. Intricate. You could see the veins. It stood...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3,2],"tags":[183,64],"class_list":["post-2557","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-podcast","category-writing","tag-podcast","tag-story"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3u13S-Ff","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":607,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/hats-off-to-michael-odonoghue\/","url_meta":{"origin":2557,"position":0},"title":"Hats off to Michael O’Donoghue","author":"David Raffin","date":"February 1, 2014","format":"quote","excerpt":"Michael O'Donoghue\u00a0semi-famously said: Making people laugh is the lowest form of humor. He also said: A kangaroo walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, \"Blood is the lipstick of all wounds.\" The bartender does not know how he said this, or why. [amazon template=iframe image&asin=038072832X][amazon template=iframe image&asin=B0080QR2S4][amazon template=iframe image&asin=B001R20VRC][amazon\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Books"","block_context":{"text":"Books","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/books\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":945,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/gracie-allen-4th-woman-to-run-for-president-in-usa\/","url_meta":{"origin":2557,"position":1},"title":"Gracie Allen – 4th woman to run for president in USA","author":"David Raffin","date":"May 5, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"In 1940, the team [George Burns & Gracie Allen] launched a similar stunt when Allen announced she was running for President of the United States on the Surprise Party ticket. Burns and Allen did a cross-country whistlestop campaign tour on a private train, performing their live radio show in different\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Info"","block_context":{"text":"Info","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/info\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"http:\/\/upload.wikimedia.org\/wikipedia\/commons\/a\/a2\/Gracie_Allen_CBS.JPG","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2166,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/podcast-more-than-one-day\/","url_meta":{"origin":2557,"position":2},"title":"More than One Day","author":"David Raffin","date":"February 9, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"The More than True podcast returns with a vintage story about spies, Russians, shoes, USA electoral politics, and raisins. It's an audio rendition of the story More Than One Day in the Life of Igor Igoravitch, from the collection Hard Fought Illusions of Choice. Enjoy. It is strong. Like Stalin.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Books"","block_context":{"text":"Books","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/books\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/11009864594_4852f7294e_o.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/11009864594_4852f7294e_o.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/11009864594_4852f7294e_o.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/08\/11009864594_4852f7294e_o.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1321,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/old-jack-mclantern-a-warning\/","url_meta":{"origin":2557,"position":3},"title":"Old Jack McLantern, a warning","author":"David Raffin","date":"April 3, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"\u201cWhat is a Jack-o\u2019-lantern?\u201d she asked. \u201cIt is a pumpkin, hollowed out, its flesh carved with a design, usually a face, and a candle placed inside turning it into a lantern. Do you not have them?\u201d \u201cNo. But why is it called Jack?\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t know. I suppose, since there\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Info"","block_context":{"text":"Info","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/info\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1891,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/genie-genie-genie\/","url_meta":{"origin":2557,"position":4},"title":"Genie, Genie, Genie","author":"David Raffin","date":"April 10, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"A sparkling new podcast episode which dares tell the truth about wishes and the human heart. \"Winner Winner!\" \u201cDivertissement,\u201d \u201cP.I. Tchaikovsky Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy,\u201d \u201cGhost Dance,\u201d \u201cI Knew a Guy,\" \u201cCamille Saint-Sans Danse Macabre\u201d by\u00a0Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under\u00a0Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 \u201cSomeone Else\u2019s Memories\u201d from the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Books"","block_context":{"text":"Books","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/books\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/MTT-s.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/MTT-s.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/MTT-s.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/MTT-s.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/09\/MTT-s.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":2730,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/fresh-laugh-tracks\/","url_meta":{"origin":2557,"position":5},"title":"Fresh Laugh Tracks","author":"David Raffin","date":"October 14, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"This podcast is so important I recorded it on my phone. My apologies to those I have yet to offend. No apologies to those I have re-offended. To those I have pre-arranged a future offense for, I await payment. \u201cSomeone Else\u2019s Memories\u201d from the album \u201cThe Politics of Desire\u201d by\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Podcast"","block_context":{"text":"Podcast","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/podcast\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2557","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2557"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2557\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2561,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2557\/revisions\/2561"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2557"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2557"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2557"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}