{"id":4211,"date":"2025-11-03T07:27:31","date_gmt":"2025-11-03T15:27:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/premium-burrito\/"},"modified":"2025-11-18T10:41:13","modified_gmt":"2025-11-18T18:41:13","slug":"premium-burrito","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/premium-burrito\/","title":{"rendered":"Premium burrito"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>The book of burrito<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>\u201cAnd so it came to pass that the breakfast burrito became the dominant life-form on the planet.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u2013Richard Lindsay<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And the breakfast burrito began to speculate as to who made the breakfast burrito.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And there were differences of opinion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And then there were terrible breakfast burrito wars.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And breakfast burrito fought breakfast burrito.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And some breakfast burritos were more equal than other breakfast burritos, no matter what lip service they received.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And there was a breakfast burrito dark age.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And there was a breakfast burrito enlightenment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And a lot of breakfast burritos lost faith.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And there was a breakfast burrito golden age.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And the breakfast burritos became decadent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And thus our story opens on a world full of brazen, decadent, hedonistic breakfast burritos\u2013 in pursuit of nothing but the ultimate pleasure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Two breakfast burritos sat in a dimly lit room, each filled with passions only fully felt by their kind. They were saucy. They experienced a burning within.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">At last one of the burritos dared speak its mind. \u201cI hunger.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The other replied, \u201cI, too, hunger, passionately.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cWhat is to be done?\u201d moaned the first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThe solution is simple,\u201d said the second. \u201cWe eat.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cWhat is it we shall eat?\u201d said the first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cWe shall eat each other,\u201d said the second.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cOh, the shame!\u201d said the first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cIt is a necessity!\u201d cried the second. \u201cThere is no shame in necessity!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cHow shall we proceed?\u201d said the first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cWe shall position ourselves in such a way that we may comfortably eat each other,\u201d said the second. \u201cWe shall lay beside each other, each facing the opposite way.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cNot the fabled \u201811\u2019 position?\u201d said the first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThe same,\u201d said the second.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI am afraid!\u201d said the first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYou are a prude,\u201d said the second. \u201cYou act as if you have never eaten another burrito!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYou have ruined this role-play!\u201d said the first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cIt isn\u2019t working for you?\u201d said the second.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cIt was, but then you ruined it,\u201d said the first. \u201cYou had to go all metafictional.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI am a modern burrito,\u201d said the second.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI am a classic burrito,\u201d said the first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYou filthy, loose burrito!\u201d shouted the second.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cOn with the sex already,\u201d said the first burrito coldly. \u201cI have tired of this game.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For millennia burritos had no individual names. Then arose a particularly kinky burrito. This burrito declared that in an age of hedonistic excess it was proper that a burrito should have a name. An individual name. A moniker. Thus he went by the name \u2018William the Great.\u2019 He also declared himself king over all burritos. This, however, was accepted by very few burritos. Those who did accept it were of a submissive nature.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">William decreed that all burritos should have names. This was primarily to aid in the new practice of burritos selling other burritos into bondage. Burrito slavery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cBreakfast burrito you are my brother.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cNo. I am brother to all breakfast burritos.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThen I am still your brother.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cDo not labor the point.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">One day a breakfast burrito came home to find its love mingling with a fresher, more exotic breakfast burrito. It was the end of the perfect burrito relationship. Or the beginning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI cannot tell one breakfast burrito from another,\u201d said a bean burrito. \u201cThey are all the same to me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYou are a racist!\u201d replied a breakfast burrito.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cTo me all breakfast burritos are equal. They are the same at the great table of the universe.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYou are an egalitarian!\u201d replied a breakfast burrito.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cHere is what we will do. We will refresh your filling. New rice and beans for old. New sauce. Not too much \u2013 not too little. Your choice of other fillings for a fee.\u201d The burrito plastic surgeon was patient and understanding. \u201cWhile we are exchanging your filling, we will refresh your flour wrapping. New skin for old.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cBut then, what will be left of me?\u201d cried the middle-aged burrito. \u201cIf you replace my inside and my outside, what is left of me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThat is a question for the philosophers,\u201d said the doctor. \u201cBut if you ask me, it leaves your soul. You will be reborn. As a newer, better, fresher burrito.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cBut will it not in fact be death?\u201d cried the patient.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI still believe in the great burrito maker in the sky,\u201d said the doctor. \u201cI am old fashioned, though I know it is against the ways of science. We were made by a greater burrito. You have nothing to fear. You will be born again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Then the burrito doctor tore apart the other burrito and made a new burrito. He told the new burrito it was the old burrito. And the new burrito believed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cBurrito,\u201d said one burrito, \u201cYou are rolled too tightly. Let it hang out.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The other burrito let it all hang out. It was his undoing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The burrito\u2019s best and oldest friend is the tortilla chip. Though the chip sometimes jabs holes in its burrito companion. The burrito forgives this transgression. The chip, after all, is just a simple creature possessing only the base instincts. The burrito possesses the nature of forgiveness and grace, though throughout the world this does not keep one burrito from hurting and killing another, for either ideological reasons or for sport.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cIf a burrito had wings it could fly.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYou are a fool. If a burrito were meant to fly, it would have wings.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cWhy do burritos exist?\u201d asked the young seeker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cTo enjoy the hedonistic excesses afforded to them in the world,\u201d replied the guru.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">***<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In the final burrito war, the war to end all burrito wars, hot oil was dropped on each side by the other. The burritos were flash fried. They were frozen where they stood or lay. They were crispy statues representing their civilization, culture, and technological advancements. Then the rains came. At last there was nothing left. It was as if there were never a burrito in the world. The lizards rose and they never knew of the burrito.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The burrito was forgotten. A burrito is but a momentary pleasure in the eye of the universe. Thus ends the lesson.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The book of burrito \u201cAnd so it came to pass that the breakfast burrito became the dominant life-form on the planet.\u201d \u2013Richard Lindsay And the breakfast burrito began to speculate as to who made the breakfast burrito. And there were differences of opinion. And then there were terrible breakfast burrito wars. And breakfast burrito fought breakfast burrito. And some breakfast burritos were more equal than other breakfast burritos, no matter what lip service they received. And there was a breakfast burrito dark age. And there was a breakfast burrito enlightenment. And a lot of breakfast burritos lost faith. And there&#46;&#46;&#46;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2547,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_seo_schema_type":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"Premium burrito \ufffc","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[261,252,258,256,254,255,257,259,253,260],"class_list":["post-4211","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-writing","tag-breakfast","tag-burrito","tag-burrito-cannibalism","tag-burrito-decadence","tag-burrito-enlightenment","tag-burrito-golden-age","tag-burrito-hedonism","tag-burrito-role-play","tag-burrito-wars","tag-hunger"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3u13S-15V","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1251,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/modernity-as-it-relates-to-walls\/","url_meta":{"origin":4211,"position":0},"title":"Modernity as it relates to walls","author":"David Raffin","date":"November 27, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"I awake. I think of breakfast. I post on Facebook about breakfast, and get a warm response. Yet no breakfast occurs. I become concerned that there are rats in the walls. My walls. Rats. There is an alternative explanation which seems too cut and dry. This is a world where\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Writing&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Writing","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/books\/writing\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/100_1231.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1272,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/killing-you-softly-with-our-love\/","url_meta":{"origin":4211,"position":1},"title":"Killing you softly with our love","author":"David Raffin","date":"January 15, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"I wrote this to commemorate the death of Ronald Reagan. It ran in a magazine in Texas. Still true today. \u00a0 Killing you softly by David Raffin Very rarely do people kill politicians. Especially given the fact that so many people fantasize about doing so. But Americans are apathetic; they\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;My books&quot;","block_context":{"text":"My books","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/books\/my-books\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2250,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/trigger-warning-the-assassination-of-fred-hampton\/","url_meta":{"origin":4211,"position":2},"title":"Trigger Warning: The Assassination of Fred Hampton","author":"David Raffin","date":"June 1, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"It was not about the guns. We had them. They were a necessity. And a defense. That was the necessity. That's why the full name of our organization was the Black Panther Party for Self-Defense. Self-defense and the defense of others. Defense of the wider community. I died in my\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Info&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Info","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/info\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/mike-von-wLY9bHf-KUU-unsplash-scaled.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/mike-von-wLY9bHf-KUU-unsplash-scaled.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/mike-von-wLY9bHf-KUU-unsplash-scaled.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/mike-von-wLY9bHf-KUU-unsplash-scaled.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/mike-von-wLY9bHf-KUU-unsplash-scaled.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":2359,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/sarcasm-is-poison-friend\/","url_meta":{"origin":4211,"position":3},"title":"Sarcasm is poison, Friend","author":"David Raffin","date":"January 10, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"No honorable person has ever snickered. Chortling is unseemly. Tittering is obscene. Need I go on? \u2013 The war of words. The end result of the war of words was different than previous wars. For in the end, all that was left were the grunts.\u00a0 All the highfalutin words fell.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Writing&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Writing","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/books\/writing\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"man in yellow protective suit","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-photo-3951373.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-photo-3951373.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-photo-3951373.jpeg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-photo-3951373.jpeg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-photo-3951373.jpeg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-photo-3951373.jpeg?resize=1400%2C800&ssl=1 4x"},"classes":[]},{"id":412,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/obamas-old-hat-the-peace-prize-president\/","url_meta":{"origin":4211,"position":4},"title":"Obama&#8217;s old hat (the peace prize president)","author":"David Raffin","date":"September 1, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"(Originally written when the Swede's gave Obama the Peace Prize. The Swedish\u00a0sense\u00a0of humor is odd. For instance, they let the Norwegians give out the Peace Prize. An indication of how seriously they take it.) Obama's old hat by David Raffin President Obama, honored with a Nobel peace prize while fighting\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Books&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Books","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/books\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":369,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/adaptations-to-a-modern-age-by-scott-steven-erickson\/","url_meta":{"origin":4211,"position":5},"title":"Adaptations to a Modern Age by Scott Steven Erickson","author":"David Raffin","date":"August 26, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Adaptations to a Modern Age by\u00a0Scott Steven Erickson In the interest of disclosure, I sang in the background on some of the tracks on this album. It is a fine album filled with many instruments, in motion. It is unusual, like you. It has a song about bananas, which are\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Links&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Links","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/info\/links\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/img_9788.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4211","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4211"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4211\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4232,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4211\/revisions\/4232"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2547"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4211"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4211"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4211"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}