Jesus never wore pants. So why are the Christians doing it?
I praise him.
We resurrected my high school band Jesus on toast. It is a jam band. We are good.
We praise him.
Jesus redeemed my expired coupons. It is important to point out he did not save them. He redeemed them. It is impossible to both save and redeem something at the same time.
I praise him.
Don\u2019t get in a fight with me. Because not only do you have to deal with me. But my agent is Jesus Christ. The most powerful agent in Hollywood. And he is vengeful. He comes again and again, and he can wither your fig trees. I\u2019m not kidding.
People always shout his name angrily. And that\u2019s because of the good deals he gets me. I praise him.
He deals with my stuff.
I praise him.
Many people in Hollywood have many hang ups. But as far as I can tell. Jesus had only the one.
I praise him.
People say his name angrily all the time. Because of the good deals he gets me. And the way he deals with my stuff efficiently and forcefully. I praise him.
I forgot to capitalize some of those HEs. My apologies to my agent. Jesus Christ. Most powerful. In all of Hollywood. I may be in trouble here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/img_0009-1024x1024.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\nNo. No. He says. \u201cWe good.\u201c
I praise him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In all honesty back when I used to do my act. I would sometimes open for myself. As a Christian comic. But. We have the same agent. Jesus Christ. Most powerful. In all of Hollywood. We praise him.
Jesus Christ is my agent. He is the most powerful. In all of Hollywood. People say his name in anger. Because he gets me such good deals. He burns fig Orchards. He is vengeful. I praise him.
Jesus Christ warned me not to go to that talent agent everyone always talks about. The one who bills himself as a family agent. He is great. I praise him.
He burns in every Christian girl\u2019s heart. He\u2019s a lady killer. Check the dating sites. They all say his name. He is my agent. The most powerful. Jesus Christ. Of Hollywood. I praise him. I praise him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jesus Christ. of Hollywood.
Who are you
Why do you
Hate fig wood?
Jesus Christ. of Hollywood
how do you become
an agent
The best in Hollywood?
Jesus Christ. of Hollywood\u2026
(Enter Judas: the hero)
Who will pay
For all of these
Corporate handouts.
I call you out
Jesus of Hollywood
Agent most powerful
For your illicit
And non-taxable
Revenue streams!
To benefit only
Your agent manager clients
Particularly
That bastard David Raffin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jesus replies:
I shall cast him out
Three days in hell
Where he shall write
A rock opera
Praising my name
Jesus. of Hollywood
Agent most powerful
And he shall arise
To the tune
Most danceable.
If that is more
To your liking
Judas
My brother<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dear Jesus Christ. Of Hollywood. My agent. Most powerful. I praise you. My account has been hacked. I believe by a fig tree. Again. Oh your vengeance! I praise you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As a philosopher I have no competition outside of Slavoj Zizek. Inside of Slavoj Zizek, it is too dark to comprehend Lucan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I play for the band. And the band. ONLY.
I am a sexual Marxist. I read the communist manifesto only for the pictures. Arise Ye Messes. Nothing to lose but chains. Unless you\u2019re into that. Then you can keep them. Of course. I am not here to kink shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jesus Christ is my agent. Manager. I praise him. Most powerful. In Hollywood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Please listen to old Steve Martin records. I know they are dated. It cannot be helped. Do not listen for that. Listen for the theory.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is not for me to know fully the plan of my manager Jesus Christ of Hollywood. Most powerful. For he takes his 10%. And that is very very generous for the work. For I am but a tuning fork of the universe. And he is he who humms. I praise him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I do an impression of Harlan Ellison. My God it is good better than my Jesus impression. Like my John Lennon impression. My John Lennon impression is always better than my Jesus impression. I mean more popular not better. I mean more popular not better.
You know, Andre the giant was quite literally bigger than Jesus.
Look. I never actually meant to say that my John Lennon impression was better than my Jesus impression. That\u2019s really a stretch. Like my long Jesus joke. What I meant was that my John Lennon impression is more popular by far than my Jesus impression. Which people think is too good. I think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I worry that when I say jumpin Jesus on a pogo stick the kids don\u2019t know what a pogo stick is. It is my job to tell the children about pogo sticks. Every child on earth will know about pogo sticks. Before the end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Unlike Bill Murray I have never punched Chevy Chase. I only punched that one dude who was in animal house. It was on stage. And it was a stage punch. But it went wrong. And there was blood everywhere. I would like to apologize to an old man.
I am really sorry. He knew John Belushi. Isn\u2019t that enough. Why does the universe have to beat on him so? It is enough to make me question my agent manager Jesus H Christ. Of Hollywood. Most powerful. Why. Why Jesus. Why. I praise him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jesus could always make room for dessert.
Also he’s no longer welcome in the hotdog eating competition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You know the Amish have group erections. You know the Amish help each other out with their erections. They really know how to handle erections. They do it as a group. They really get that thing up. Jesus was born in one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jesus passed on a deal with Chrysler. They were treading on our good name. They had billboards ready. Good enough for the son of god. So who are you to argue. But we put a quick stop to that. Why does God need a son anyway? To take over when he dies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How come Christians are not raising the dead? What would Jesus do?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Jesus Christ is my agent\/manager. He gets me such good deals. This makes people say his name in anger. Daily. But they do this. In vain. It does not affect us. We are above it. Jesus says. We good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyway I have range. That means I can go high. I can go low. And the lower I go. The more it is counter posed by how high I can go. It is like my friend. People talk about. She sings at the end of the opera. Her name is Gladys. And I wish people would call her that.
We share an agent. Jesus Christ. All powerful. Most powerful in all of Hollywood. And beyond. Jesus says. She good. You good. We good. Then he walked off into the sunset. Show boating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hey. When Jesus rode into Jerusalem on an ass. Did anybody say nice ass. Because a compliment can really take you places. In this world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You have to admit, my Jesus impression is really good, but I don\u2019t have a proper ending yet, so I am afraid I just leave it hanging.
Thank you for coming to my show. I was nude.
As Jesus said to the Roman guard below, point taken. Good night.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Call my agent if you want to take me to lunch. His name is Jesus Christ and he is the most powerful agent in Hollywood.I praise him.You hear his name shouted everywhere very angrily. That is because of the really good deals he gets me. He is the most powerful agent in the world. And he is mine.I praise him.I walked a room once telling Jesus jokes. Call my agent. Jesus Christ. He is the most powerful agent in the world.I praise him. Jesus never wore pants. So why are the Christians doing it?I praise him.We resurrected my high school...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_seo_schema_type":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"Jesus. The questions. \ufffc","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4432","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-writing"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3u13S-19u","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":677,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/i-came-here-to-praise-robert-sheckley\/","url_meta":{"origin":4432,"position":0},"title":"I came here to praise Robert Sheckley.","author":"David Raffin","date":"April 24, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"I came here to praise Robert Sheckley. He was a prolific short story writer. In the fifties and sixties his work was featured in many of the science fiction magazines of the day (and there were more of them then.) Sheckly was witty. He could write a hell of a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Books"","block_context":{"text":"Books","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/books\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1177,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/actually-scalia-was-a-petulant-ass\/","url_meta":{"origin":4432,"position":1},"title":"Actually, Scalia was a petulant ass","author":"David Raffin","date":"February 14, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"It is not necessary to say nice things about public figures when they die. In the case of Supreme Court Justice Scalia, he is perhaps best remembered as the judge who said \"a claim of factual innocence is not a legal claim\" in denying a hearing in a death penalty\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Info"","block_context":{"text":"Info","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/info\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2571,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/raise-the-barn\/","url_meta":{"origin":4432,"position":2},"title":"Raise the barn","author":"David Raffin","date":"February 28, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"You are the third shiniest star. A dwarf planet. Seen by the naked eye. Warm. Body temperature, running hot. The ultimate coffee substitute. Rough grind. The only body double worth the trouble. Raise the barn. The intangible sparkle of champagne\ufffc\ufffc on a drunkard's tongue,\ufffc stimulating; The lime in the Jell-O,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Writing"","block_context":{"text":"Writing","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/books\/writing\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"man in yellow protective suit","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/pexels-photo-3951373.jpeg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":726,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/the-arkansas-traveller\/","url_meta":{"origin":4432,"position":3},"title":"The Arkansas Traveller","author":"David Raffin","date":"June 22, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"They don't have a lot of religious relics in the United States but those they have they hold dear. In Arkansas they have the original pogo stick Jesus used to jump on. When a traveller challenged the authenticity of the relic he was murdered by true believers. This happened in\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Writing"","block_context":{"text":"Writing","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/books\/writing\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2089,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/esoterica-with-marx-and-angles\/","url_meta":{"origin":4432,"position":4},"title":"Esoterica with Marx and angles","author":"David Raffin","date":"December 29, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Sigmund Freud drew on his cigar, loathe to admit the truth. Sometimes a cigar is an analogy. Sometimes a dream is just a borrowed fantasy determined by social pressure. It tried his patients. Trial by fire. His cigar fell to the floor. Suddenly he awoke. Refreshed. But repressed. \u202aThe Marquis\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Writing"","block_context":{"text":"Writing","link":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/category\/books\/writing\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1833,"url":"https:\/\/davidraffin.com\/weblog\/new-books-new-books-for-old\/","url_meta":{"origin":4432,"position":5},"title":"New Books! New Books for Old!","author":"David Raffin","date":"January 15, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Two NEW books for the New World. 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