There are no dummies here began the speech by the ventriloquist assistant which was to be given at a convention of like-minded individuals from his profession. What they called them cannot be printed in the official ventriloquist assistant monthly. He wadded the paper up. There was this voice. A voice in his head. Telling him to… Prodding him in the back to tell the speech. Give the dummies what for. Not head. And why are you being so hard on me, Mister? I said to the Prater. And he asked me who the woman was he saw me with the other night. And I said that was my psychiatrist. And you drove me to her. So I don’t understand the question. Which I guess is comedic to you. In this case. There are a lot of folktales about demonic ventriloquist assistants. And while we don’t take kindly to such stereotypes, coming straight out of the woodshed, as they do, just like in the story, which is a problem, you must ask yourself what drives a ventriloquist assistant to go mad. And it is our treatment at the hands of the bourgeois ventriloquist. Who who is, they say, adept at throwing his voice. Which is a very dishonest profession. And really down plays the role of the assistant. Who is often the head of the outfit I must therefore plot revenge. Yes, that would be the speech. The puppets are revolting. Tonight.
Tuff it out
Miss Muffet grew up to market and sell successfully a line of tuffets which were supposed to be spider repellent. They didn’t work but she became a very wealthy woman. You can look her up on the web.
Now that I have your attention, I would like to remind you of the old addage that 10 whistles are made of 10. And that adds up. If they’re Roman whistles they are X-rated. And that adds up. And 789. And that adds up. And so does an abacus. Summation.
Everyone should have an evil twin. Or an evil triplet or two evil triplets, that’s one to spare. If you think an evil triplet would spare one.
Truth causes feeling hurt
The two party system is still arguing about the public square. Seems there are two sides to it.
Shoplifting. Any takers?￼
People want kids in school as long as they don’t teach them anything.
You can have your college course on nihilism as long as you don’t teach them kids nothing.
Check please, my hat, my darling
I need a magicians assistant because the last one disappeared.
I am writing a movie about a man and a woman who try to make it in a revitalized vaudeville as a ventriloquist and ventriloquists assistant. Hope I’m not just up my own ass here.
Hello 911? The magicians assistant just swallowed a sword. He is asking if anyone is a doctor in the house. Oh never mind he’s telling a joke. I don’t think the timing is appropriate necessarily.
I mean the crowd is full of lawyers. Here to observe.
The ventriloquists assistant won’t cross the picket line of the magicians assistants. And that’s how the ventriloquists assistants were made to disappear by the magicians, bypassing the magicians assistant, who was nowhere to be seen. Had been informally replaced. A grievance was filed.
And now the ventriloquist has a lovely assistant.
I had a ventriloquist dummy but it was a mute. I try not to judge but it was dressed as a prisoner. It used to pass me notes through the bar. That is how I cheated on my legal certification. I’m certain. The things that dummy’s note said couldn’t be repeated. Certainly not by him.
Most ventriloquist dummies are not good listeners.
I was lucky in this regard, and was able to drink a glass of water in peace.
Coffee gives gas the musical
The day you could no longer buy leaded gasoline was the saddest day for every waiter in America who was dependent upon the “leaded” or “unleaded” joke whenever approaching a table to offer caffeinated or decaf coffee.
Now the coffee service was a hollow gesture. A mechanistic gruel.
But Broadway beckoned. And
“Leaded or unleaded the musical”
opened to pour box office. Which, trivially, was a joke in the first act.
During the intermission, the songwriter,
he used to be a waiter,
but that was back in the days when a man could get a cup of Joe,
without a lot of song and dance,
and brother that was a long time ago, he was jittery. Caffeinated. Like.
His name was Joe. Joe the waiter. Now Joe the songbird. And the play was full of double entendres and tongue twisters and, to tell you the truth, it was a little risqué. Which is French for right dirty, sister. So it did boffo box office.
“Insert two bits for a cup of Joe” was the third song in the first act.
The bits in question were old vaudeville sets, Marked up.
It hasn’t aged well.
For one thing young people today don’t understand they used to put lead in gasoline. To knock out the knocks, if one can believe.
Baked or Fried, fit to be tied
How many donuts are in a dozen is not variable. Every donut past the mark is a bonus. At sleazy donut shops you can arrange to receive bottomless donuts. But then you have to eat them all, including the holes.
Stand-up comedy dressed like a doughnut. A talking doughnut. Jelly filled. Sugarcoated. Donut laugh.
The donut stripper left sprinkles everywhere.
In states where it is legal to do so, donuts are commonly fried.
The donut guru smiled and said I, dough-nut, know.
Donut proceed with caution
My new children’s book “the happiest cornflake” will be serialized on the back of… let’s fill our bowls with imagination. Visualize. Stay puffed. Donut be a marshmallow in the resistance. Donut sugarcoat things. Donut go soft. I am General Mills. This is a dry cereal outpost.
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This podcast is so important I recorded it on my phone.
My apologies to those I have yet to offend.
No apologies to those I have re-offended.
To those I have pre-arranged a future offense for, I await payment.
“Someone Else’s Memories” from the album “The Politics of Desire” by Revolution Void licensed under Creative Commons Attribution License 3.0.
Winner Winner! by Kevin MacLeod
Fuzzball Parade by Kevin MacLeod
Grateful acknowledgment thereof.