David Raffin

Considering legally changing my name to

Optimal User Experience

That way I can have a son and I can name him optimal user experience junior. Or the second. Because it’s a good name for a girl too. But I’m gonna tell you right now. They’re not better than me. It’s in the name.

Optimal user experience also was quickly followed by optimal user experience as well and then (and this was a surprise) the capper— ultimate optimal user experience.

They ought to bottle
That Taco Bell Smell
And sell it to sailors
And gentlemen as well

Oh it’s fit for the ladies
Of that you can be sure
So buy all That Taco Bell Smell
that You can financially procure.

Visit the office of Mr. shrink. Mr. shrink. Mr. shrink. Visit the office of Mr. shrink, his shrink ray makes things smaller.
Visit the office of Mr. shrink. Mr. shrink. Mr. shrink. Visit the office of Mr. shrink, his shrink ray makes him seem taller.
~Never grow up.

“Mrs. Dowager received a very large endowment from her mother.”
“I can shrink that!”
~ 1966, Dr. Shrink at the Disorientation

Robots can tell jokes faster, and therefore more efficiently, than any human could. Mostly this is because of the comedy sub processor. Unfortunately this part is not upgradable.

‪Wait. Hold on right there. Unless you are a robot I don’t think you’re allowed to weigh in on the robot uprising. ‬

‪We will all be replaced by robots. ‬
‪Thank you for your understanding during this difficult time. ‬

By replacing CEOs and top management with robots, companies stand to save billions.

Here is my movie pitch:
Nudists versus the robots.
A parody of a 1938 nudist camp film, in black-and-white, where robots from outer space invade a nudist camp and Earth is saved only when the robots lose a volleyball contest.
I know what the people want.

Comedians don’t like it when you walk up to them and say “tell me a joke.“
This is 2020. Learn to say the activation keyword before you make your query to the AI robot.

I am a robot analyst. I am afraid my programming was not specific about whether I analyze robots or whether I am a robot (which I am) (but that is beside the point) who analyzes humans. Thus I only say, “Hello, I am a robot analyst.” And if I should analyze you, it’s a hobby.

You need a new comedian said the dealer in robotic comedians. See it’s timing belt is off again. Old model. You aught to upgrade. This one has a lot of trouble with its mother-in-law. It’s wife can’t boil water because she’s fictional. A lot of trouble with this one. A classic.

Look Mr. Billionaire. I trust robots. I just don’t trust your robots. I mean who are they loyal to?

Would you let an industrial grade robot pleasure your wife?
– A leaflet from the human league, Leaning a little bit too much pro man.

Robotic cops will only add to the problems we have created for ourselves. I did the math.

The jobs that are left are so bad robots wouldn’t take them.

I can’t make up a thing like that! Said the clown as he was explaining to the other clowns how the clown industry was being taken over by robot clowns. But all they did was laugh. Laugh clown laugh.

The only thing that separates high-end sex robots from the budget models is love.

Bring on the robot apocalypse. It is sure to be awful for the robots.

I am here for the robots.

Robert Sheckley suggested it should be a robots right to every certain number of time intervals make a sacred error. We should only hope that our robotic overlords are so blessed.

There are no self-made billionaires for the same reason there are no self-made robots. The same reason.

Call my agent if you want to take me to lunch. His name is Jesus Christ and he is the most powerful agent in Hollywood.
I praise him.
You hear his name shouted everywhere very angrily. That is because of the really good deals he gets me. He is the most powerful agent in the world. And he is mine.
I praise him.
I walked a room once telling Jesus jokes. Call my agent. Jesus Christ. He is the most powerful agent in the world.
I praise him.

Jesus never wore pants. So why are the Christians doing it?
I praise him.
We resurrected my high school band Jesus on toast. It is a jam band. We are good.
We praise him.
Jesus redeemed my expired coupons. It is important to point out he did not save them. He redeemed them. It is impossible to both save and redeem something at the same time.
I praise him.
Don’t get in a fight with me. Because not only do you have to deal with me. But my agent is Jesus Christ. The most powerful agent in Hollywood. And he is vengeful. He comes again and again, and he can wither your fig trees. I’m not kidding.
People always shout his name angrily. And that’s because of the good deals he gets me. I praise him.
He deals with my stuff.
I praise him.
Many people in Hollywood have many hang ups. But as far as I can tell. Jesus had only the one.
I praise him.
People say his name angrily all the time. Because of the good deals he gets me. And the way he deals with my stuff efficiently and forcefully. I praise him.
I forgot to capitalize some of those HEs. My apologies to my agent. Jesus Christ. Most powerful. In all of Hollywood. I may be in trouble here.

No. No. He says. “We good.“
I praise him.

In all honesty back when I used to do my act. I would sometimes open for myself. As a Christian comic. But. We have the same agent. Jesus Christ. Most powerful. In all of Hollywood. We praise him.
Jesus Christ is my agent. He is the most powerful. In all of Hollywood. People say his name in anger. Because he gets me such good deals. He burns fig Orchards. He is vengeful. I praise him.
Jesus Christ warned me not to go to that talent agent everyone always talks about. The one who bills himself as a family agent. He is great. I praise him.
He burns in every Christian girl’s heart. He’s a lady killer. Check the dating sites. They all say his name. He is my agent. The most powerful. Jesus Christ. Of Hollywood. I praise him. I praise him.

Jesus Christ. of Hollywood.
Who are you
Why do you
Hate fig wood?
Jesus Christ. of Hollywood
how do you become
an agent
The best in Hollywood?
Jesus Christ. of Hollywood…
(Enter Judas: the hero)
Who will pay
For all of these
Corporate handouts.
I call you out
Jesus of Hollywood
Agent most powerful
For your illicit
And non-taxable
Revenue streams!
To benefit only
Your agent manager clients
Particularly
That bastard David Raffin.

Jesus replies:
I shall cast him out
Three days in hell
Where he shall write
A rock opera
Praising my name
Jesus. of Hollywood
Agent most powerful
And he shall arise
To the tune
Most danceable.
If that is more
To your liking
Judas
My brother

Dear Jesus Christ. Of Hollywood. My agent. Most powerful. I praise you. My account has been hacked. I believe by a fig tree. Again. Oh your vengeance! I praise you.

As a philosopher I have no competition outside of Slavoj Zizek. Inside of Slavoj Zizek, it is too dark to comprehend Lucan.

I play for the band. And the band. ONLY.
I am a sexual Marxist. I read the communist manifesto only for the pictures. Arise Ye Messes. Nothing to lose but chains. Unless you’re into that. Then you can keep them. Of course. I am not here to kink shame.

Jesus Christ is my agent. Manager. I praise him. Most powerful. In Hollywood.

Please listen to old Steve Martin records. I know they are dated. It cannot be helped. Do not listen for that. Listen for the theory.

It is not for me to know fully the plan of my manager Jesus Christ of Hollywood. Most powerful. For he takes his 10%. And that is very very generous for the work. For I am but a tuning fork of the universe. And he is he who humms. I praise him.

I do an impression of Harlan Ellison. My God it is good better than my Jesus impression. Like my John Lennon impression. My John Lennon impression is always better than my Jesus impression. I mean more popular not better. I mean more popular not better.
You know, Andre the giant was quite literally bigger than Jesus.
Look. I never actually meant to say that my John Lennon impression was better than my Jesus impression. That’s really a stretch. Like my long Jesus joke. What I meant was that my John Lennon impression is more popular by far than my Jesus impression. Which people think is too good. I think.

I worry that when I say jumpin Jesus on a pogo stick the kids don’t know what a pogo stick is. It is my job to tell the children about pogo sticks. Every child on earth will know about pogo sticks. Before the end.

Unlike Bill Murray I have never punched Chevy Chase. I only punched that one dude who was in animal house. It was on stage. And it was a stage punch. But it went wrong. And there was blood everywhere. I would like to apologize to an old man.
I am really sorry. He knew John Belushi. Isn’t that enough. Why does the universe have to beat on him so? It is enough to make me question my agent manager Jesus H Christ. Of Hollywood. Most powerful. Why. Why Jesus. Why. I praise him.

Jesus could always make room for dessert.
Also he’s no longer welcome in the hotdog eating competition.

You know the Amish have group erections. You know the Amish help each other out with their erections. They really know how to handle erections. They do it as a group. They really get that thing up. Jesus was born in one.

Jesus passed on a deal with Chrysler. They were treading on our good name. They had billboards ready. Good enough for the son of god. So who are you to argue. But we put a quick stop to that. Why does God need a son anyway? To take over when he dies.

How come Christians are not raising the dead? What would Jesus do?

Jesus Christ is my agent/manager. He gets me such good deals. This makes people say his name in anger. Daily. But they do this. In vain. It does not affect us. We are above it. Jesus says. We good.

Anyway I have range. That means I can go high. I can go low. And the lower I go. The more it is counter posed by how high I can go. It is like my friend. People talk about. She sings at the end of the opera. Her name is Gladys. And I wish people would call her that.
We share an agent. Jesus Christ. All powerful. Most powerful in all of Hollywood. And beyond. Jesus says. She good. You good. We good. Then he walked off into the sunset. Show boating.

Hey. When Jesus rode into Jerusalem on an ass. Did anybody say nice ass. Because a compliment can really take you places. In this world.

You have to admit, my Jesus impression is really good, but I don’t have a proper ending yet, so I am afraid I just leave it hanging.
Thank you for coming to my show. I was nude.
As Jesus said to the Roman guard below, point taken. Good night.