David Raffin

David Raffin is a postHumorist, poet, & metaphysicist. Host of the More Than True podcast.

The Pits of Piper

Rowdy Roddy Piper came to my high school world problems class. He was presented as a small business owner. He owned some car lubrication facilities. Pipers pit.

I am not sure if they knew he was a wrestler.

He gave a blustery wrestling speech about world problems. In it he became really agitated and said that people should be shot for minor crimes. 

The whole classroom erupted in laughter.

Under an American flag, he said “you only laugh because none of you have ever been shot. If one of you had ever been shot, you would think differently.”

And the laughter increased. People were rolling in the aisles.

Except for the one kid sitting in the middle, in a leg cast, of course.

(He had been shot.)

Afterwards, the teacher chewed us all out for disrespect.

This is a true story.

Sometime after that, I was thrown out of that class permanently for “insubordination.” Which is another funny story.

 When the teacher said he was kicking me out for insubordination, I said “this is not the military you increasingly silly man.”

And he ordered me to go to the administration office. And I told him he had to go too. And when we got there, all they did was put me in the other world problems class.

So I learned my lesson.


The Lake

When I went to high school students who drove to school parked in the student parking lot, which was about 30% pickup trucks with gun racks.

This lot was also known as the lake or the swamp because it flooded severely and put the cars and trucks underwater.

I knew this one kid. His dad and older brother would make him go hunting with them frequently. Afterwards, he would sit in class drawing pictures of the animals they killed and cry.

Beautiful pencil drawings of majestic deer, cuddly bears, and the occasional tramp or hobo.

I drove a Plymouth TC3. But regardless of the fact that it was old, it was underwater.

But I had been kicked off the bus for insubordination. So I had to swim to school.

Heart of darkness

First day of the icy chill of winter. Joe Biden trekked out to that ol’ lamppost n gave ‘er a lick. Became stuck. Called out to his ol’ friend Don Trump. Always ready to help, Trump licked the other side of the lamp post. Becoming stuck. And now the sun goes down over our boys…

That’s how they found ‘em the next morning. Don’t know why they didn’t look to the lamppost sooner. Since that’s where they always go. They was tuckered out. Each one of ‘em spent all night tellin’ the other they was gonna lick ‘im. Now look at ‘em. Tongues worn out. Nap time.

Dummy up

The ventriloquist assistant has lodged a formal complaint regarding the placement of the ventriloquists hand. Further, don’t put words in my mouth.



Podcast 14, fancy new microphone, O boy

“Someone Else’s Memories” from the album “The Politics of Desire” by Revolution Void licensed under Creative Commons Attribution License 3.0.

Winner Winner! by Kevin MacLeod
Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/4630-winner-winner-
License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Fuzzball Parade by Kevin MacLeod
Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/5044-fuzzball-parade
License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Grateful acknowledgment thereof.

The Sophisticat

I got a bit about how I don’t understand the names that the baseball players have these days because they are ethnic in origin and the names are confusing to me because they sound like other words which I do know.
Stop me if you heard this before. Before I kill again.
I am in a relationship with two other comedians but it is rough going because it is a domestic violence situation and sometimes the three of us can really go at it rough. And when we do that people laugh instead of stopping the violence.
People say our spats are funny but I think it is the cummerbunds more so than the spats. That is what the last fight was about and it was a humdinger. But I do not mean to toot my own horn. Here.
Was explaining this to a talent agent right around the time a family came in. Dressed all nice. Fancy. But he sent them away because he didn’t represent dog acts. For ethical reasons. Wouldn’t want the ASPCA on his ass. They had a small Chihuahua and I can tell you show people don’t look too kindly on animal acts. For professional reasons. Could go either way. Also I believe the dog had been squirreled away from Mexico in a caravan and the goings-on on that trip defy description. There was a comedian who tried that once and they arrested him.
I don’t want to say more because I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot because I’m a hoofer. I dance around the subject but I strictly follow the union rules. As it pertains to live theater. Accepting the jugglers have to go balls out because it’s part of the act. I know people come to see the dancing girls. The comedian is only there to lend socially redeeming value. It’s all we have to offer.

The naked truth.

I tell you I didn’t like school. First they would insist you dress up. And if you didn’t do that you would get a dressing down. Because they expected you to act against your own will, like it or no. So there was dressing up and there was dressing down but cross dressing was absolutely forbidden. In the day. After a while I started to think they were making this all up. That was the beginning of my mental undressing. Which brings me to you people sitting here now. Unashamed.

Screaming for a Love-Bite

A waffle sat on the grill a long time. Couldn’t decide which way to turn. So turned crispy. This isn’t the end of a sad story. It was worked into the shape of a cone. Which was its burial preference. And ice cream was placed atop. Ceremonially.
And we sing the birthday song. Now.
And then this kid. Who got drug here because he’s “too old for birthdays.” Grimaced and looked at the cone. An ungrateful child of 12. 2 good for sprinkles. That was the waffle’s name. I know it don’t add up. It’s a cold ending. But I like 2 think it has some of the ol’ 1-2 punch.

I am new to transcribing my dreams and could use all the help I can get, said the Emperor of ice cream.
So it’s a dream job, the kid said.
He’s a smart kid, said the emperor.
Thanks, said the smart kid.
I don’t like smart kids. Said the emperor.
Cut down by standards and practices.

The absolute ruler of the kingdom of mathematics is the imperial ruler. Who is diametrically opposed to any alternative mathematical measuring system. Which shall go Un-named. Because they are incompatible. To the system.
The rebellion was a revolting situation.