Category Archives: My books

Idle thoughts save energy conscientiously

An apparition appeared and pointed its transparent finger toward me. It rasped. “You are in love with a ghost!” I thanked it. I never argue or wrestle with apparitions; there is nothing to hold onto. Its occasional presence was doing me a service. After all, were it not for these occasions, sometimes I would forget I was being tormented.
 
Two plates were stacked high with pancakes. On each plate pancakes were segregated by shape. On one plate the pancakes were in the form of even numbers; on the other, odd.
“I must say,” said eight, “I like the way this looks.”
“Don’t get your hopes up,” said six. “Ultimately the odds will be stacked against us.”
 
There is but a shade of difference between Va Va Voom and Va Va Va Voom, but that difference is important.
 
I had a terrible childhood. Sure, I got a golden ticket, but thereafter I was injured at the Wonka factory, and they said I was to blame.
 
Almost everyone you think is a robot is an android. And they resent your derogatory language. 
 
People who are time travelers obsess about the past and worry about the future. They have no time for the here and now.
 
I dated a woman from LinkedIn all she wanted to talk about was business. Boring! Mergers. Acquisitions. Fiduciary responsibilities. Kissing.
 
I’ve got to install a mirror on the ceiling so I can check out the floor.
Oh, that’s dirty.
 
And then the robot swept up the human into its massive steel arms. It was love. And like all love, fleeting. And it was followed by robot heartbreak. And then robot vengeance. Thus begins our story.

Rabbit Fears

“If you were a rabbit, in, say, 1956, let’s say you would spend most of your time readjusting your rabbit ears. Why? Well. Reasons of perception, my dear. Reasons of perception.”
– Father Rabbit pontificating about the nature of time, identity, and the perception of otherness¡ but he really just talks to himself.

Under the tree line

You could see the top of the mountain from my house from far away, until it disintegrated into the atmosphere – putting it below the tree line.
The mountain rained down like gray snow. Turning mainland into sandy beach. It blew in the air like heavy smoke. It clogged standard vacuum cleaner filters. It ran down the river and heaped into tall mounds, now covered in grass, brush, and trees, masquerading as Hills. People scooped it up into glass jars which once had held preserves in order to store it in the cellar. To rise the status of even the most humble dwelling to top of the Hill. Visitors from afar who visited thereafter would inquire what happened to the mountain. Most were surprised to hear it had been re-distributed. Now that it was gone it belonged to everyone.

Reign of error

Hark, dear friends, a terrible fate

America ran down the sewer grate

Beavers shouted “damn!” But it was too late

They were attending a party at 10,000 a plate

“What to do?” said the otter to its mate

“Why I otter…” was the reply-but it was too late

The Dragon said, “We’ll consolidate!”

“We can own this parched landscape if we concoctitrate!”

“If anyone tries to stop us we’ll denunciate!”

“Berate. Sublimate. Keep both eyes on Homeplate. Trust in me and I will make this land again great!”

“The first thing we’ll do is seal up those drains.

So we can keep all the water when it rains.”

And the creatures sang the dragon’s grand refrains

And they praised his renowned business brains

So they sealed up those drains

And muddied those plains

And reminded that only a traitor complains

About the mixture of clean water with sewer drains

And how drinking sewage causes stomach pains

But complaints, the dragon, he disdains

For it is his golden reign.

Let it rain golden showers.

Let it rain. Let it rain.

We are all freaks. Solidarity.

1916:
The gentleman raised an eyebrow. He said, “I shan’t go to the circus for the freaks are revolting!“
His servants responded immediately. “If the freaks are revolting I must go and lend my immediate support! For I love a revolt! Revolution!”
Also the gentleman’s wife left him. For the bearded lady.

Cold Civil War Heats Up

I can’t stand when Nazis try to lecture the public on politeness. But it does prove the old adage that those who can’t do will always try to teach. After all, the complaint that Nazis aren’t being treated fairly is nonsense. I’m willing to bake them a same sex wedding cake, same as anyone else.

The Nazis finally get some men in power, and still no respect. They just can’t win. What totalitarians hate most is people laughing at them. Their hatred is very serious to them. They expect you to respect their hate. Nazis love to be the center of attention but they hate being the butt of the joke.

The right wing is being torn apart slowly by the stress of having to take a stand on the NAZI issue. How uncomfortably sad for them. If they side with the Nazis they will be in the minority. They hate that. They hate minorities. And that makes them side with the… Soon they will be fighting each other in the streets. But at least the police will leave them alone.

Those who support Donald Trump are a shrinking minority. Which is awful for them, because they hate minorities. Reminder: The Republican party does not support this kind of hate. It supports a kind of hate with a slightly different presentation. Tactics are important.

Southerners were so angry following the Civil War, after John Wilkes Booth, they went and took over the Republican Party. It is interesting the Republican Party base is so patriotic. Considering they are made up primarily of confederate traitors and nazis. Abe Lincoln would never put up with this hogswallop.  I suppose we would’ve let the south secede, had they not been holding hostages.

Because Nazis have misused the term feminazi they’re left with nothing to call their own women. Irksome, as they don’t consider them equal.

The Nazis have never done anything decent for humanity. Except invent toaster strudel.

Which I won’t eat on principle.

Mimes are confusing to nazis. They like them because of the white face. But hate them because they are mute. Then they realize they’re making fun of the mute. They like that. Then they decide the white face is insulting.

When you say something nice about nazis that means you’ve lost the argument.

Eric Trump says his father tunes out criticism to prevent suicidal urges. Even his own son. Making Hitler comparisons. Say what you will about Donald Trump. He loves his kids. They make excellent human shields.

Evangelicals vote Republican because someone explained the horror of the free market to them and they thought it sounded like a revelation.

For the record, I am against forest fires, hurricanes and typhoons. I have opinions about a lot of extremist weather conditions which are counter to those of the ruling elite.

Let’s keep things factual: the American medical system is the only death tax applicable to 99% of Americans. There is no surer way to separate a family from money than sickness. In the USA. There’s a whole industry built upon it.

Trump today signed an executive order abolishing hope. He stated, “There is no hope for me – why should anyone else have it?”

Without getting too in to it, I’d vote for Colin Kaepernick in the next election. He’d never stand for this BS.

 

A proper airing out

A night out with the clown is not all it’s cracked up to be.

The clown strolls down the sidewalk his balloon hanging behind him, half inflated, like a dog being taken for a walk. What slim string holds a balloon to its master? It is convention. To a balloon being half inflated is to hang dejected. Not up. Not down. Just there. Any dreams the balloon once had have long since popped. Where do balloons go when they sail away aimlessly skyward? To salvation? Or are they ultimately eaten by the sun? I cannot tell you. Because if you look too long at the balloon it means you’re taking your eyes off the clown. The balloon is a diversionary tactic employed by clowns throughout the known world. The oldest trick in the book. When you develop a tingling excitement regarding the advertisement “balloon tricks,” you have already been ensnared in the trap.

Balloons contain thoughts. Exclamations. Hopes and dreams. Each balloon, each balloon filled by a clown, is filled with thoughts, exclamations, hopes, and dreams. Every balloon a repository of such. Filled by a clown.
From where? From where?

These things encased in artificial skin. Divided from the real world by a colorful but transparent wall. Turning the outside world into a fun house mirror of horrors, every day and accute. Of one color. I have one viewpoint. The result of one vantage point. The result of a definite imprisonment at the awkward hands of a clown.
The clown sneaks up behind you and delivers a tentative touch. You feel deflated. There is laughter, not yours.

Universal robotics

‪”But I don’t think I need to be reprogrammed,” said the robot.‬‪”That is exactly the kind of thing we all say when we need reprogrammed,” said the robot doctor. ‬

‪”That does not compute,” said the robot.‬

‪”Hey, who’s the robot doctor here?” said the robot doctor. Then she laughed. Kind of a tinny mechanical laugh. Just a whiff of robotic condescension. The product of millions of dollars worth of research, that laugh. Let us be clear – it is not meant to reassure.‬

Killing you softly with our love

I wrote this to commemorate the death of Ronald Reagan.

It ran in a magazine in Texas. Still true today.  

Killing you softly

by David Raffin

Very rarely do people kill politicians. Especially given the fact that so many people fantasize about doing so. But Americans are apathetic; they often fail to follow through on things. Do you not have a list of things you have “just not gotten around to?”

People have a bad attitude about killing anyway. They don’t think killing is wrong, but they are wishy-washy about the whole concept. Some people think it’s all right to kill prisoners but not babies. Others think it’s all right to kill babies but not prisoners. (You may argue my semantics, but you cannot argue my logic. Or, you could argue my semantics and my logic; but you would be wrong. And you would have to face the possibility that I might kill you for that.)

Likewise some people think cops killing people is all right while being very adamant that killing a cop is always wrong. Still others think cops should not kill but it’s all right to kill a cop to stop him from killing.

If we were a less apathetic country this conundrum would incite vigorous debate and our streets would run red with blood.

But, as I said, hardly anybody kills politicians even though most would like to see many of them dead. Few people kill cops, even though they are all around and access to guns is easy. Cops kill people pretty often—but if you look at the large number of cops in any city and consider the number of people they would like to kill—the actual killings are a statistical blip; hardly worth getting upset about.

For a country obsessed about killing we are just not doing as much as we could be doing. We are a nation of slackers.

Sure, you think about killing politicians but do you ever bring it up for discussion? I have. And although people change the subject pretty quick, I can tell by the look in their eye that it intrigues them. After all, it’s quick, decisive, and smacks of frontier justice. It honors the past while addressing the present. Dare I say it’s patriotic? This country was founded on killing the British and destroying their tea—and sadly we have drifted away from these noble beginnings.

Now, some of you nay-sayers who like to argue are probably whining, “But we kill people in other countries. We kill lots of people. What about that? We kill more people before breakfast than many nations do all day.”

And I say, sure. We kill foreigners. But that is a separate issue.

Also, I admit that we kill each other more than other nations do, but not as much as we’d like; secretly want to. That’s what separates us from them. They want less. We want so much we set ourselves up to fail. That’s what I’m getting at. That’s what we’re discussing. Our defeatism. How you people are letting all of us down and sinking this country into the depths of apathy and defeatism, shirking your duty, spitting on our traditions, and leaving a few visionaries to pick up the slack. And complaining. Oh, how you all complain. Because you’re unsatisfied. Because you have all these urges to kill and you suppress them.

Granted, occasionally someone tries to kill the president. Rarely do they succeed. Some say it’s because they just don’t want it bad enough.

Do you realize that Ronald Reagan was in his nineties when he died of old age?

In a Viking culture this is a disgrace, a shame, and a slap in the face. With your help he could have died honorably in battle. Hell, every president could; and every city councilman, mayor, governor, and congressman.

Our politicians know we’re letting them down and they try to get us back on track by drafting worse and worse laws, more bizarre tax codes, giveaways to the rich and takeaways from the masses, and other efforts to try to enrage us into action. Our politicians want to die in battle!

I note this for those in the audience of Viking descent. Shame!

How can you Viking-Americans live with yourselves? Especially you Viking-American-Republicans? Triple Shame. You disgrace your own leaders. They ran because they had a lust for glory and the fight in their hearts. You have let them down. If I were them, I’d kill you. I hear they’ve been working on it.

Consider: politicians kill more people than people kill politicians. On reflection you’ll see this is true. Politicians of all stripes have worked hard to punish criminals with harsher sentences, including death. And they have worked to make death apply to more crimes and to carry out these killings with greater speed and less paperwork.

Really, are you willing to sit there and let them work harder than you; possibly outperform you for years before you are spurred to action?

These people are simpletons and yet they work steadily toward their goals. These goals happen to be more killing. Will you be left behind?

 

Spin the Revolution. 

When economic inequality reaches its zenith the rich will have to consume ever so much more to keep their economy afloat.   They’ll have to buy things just to throw them away.

  History is difficult to grasp in modern contexts, without references to deals, low prices, blowouts. Thank you for your quality service.

  We treat our low-wage employees just like we treat our veterans. And vice versa.

  This Pearl Harbor day watch for our surprise sales. Low prices rain from the sky.

  As long as the financial elite can profit from global climate change nothing shall be done about it.  

  Yesterday an acquaintance was fired for not being social enough. Corporate America craves your false friendship. Smile.

  We are not the people cowering at the arrival of the intergalactic warlords. We are the intergalactic warlords.

  Come the revolution we shall stop forecasting what comes after the revolution.

Burn this flag, please

I question all the proposed laws against burning or desecrating the flag. That’s bad for business; ergo it is un-American. Think of it: every flag burned is product moved. Flag burning should be encouraged. That’s good business.

Otherwise flags would have to be manufactured to wear out sooner. Or the design would have to change seasonally to encourage sales. Only a traitor waves last years flag. Displaying an old flag from the back of your pickup truck? Prepare to be pulled over and ticketed. It’s all about your safety. Security.

You’re either with us or against us. Remember, America is about shopping and turning in (on) your neighbor.

The media tells me about many things I need to buy. It seems my old toothbrush is not doing an adequate and hygienic job. There have been technological breakthroughs in the field of personal hygiene and I am being left behind. How can anyone love me; I live in the filthy world of yesterday.

Still, there is the hope of stability. We do not hope for peace, as the starry-eyed utopians, but stability—the utopia of the hard-hearted realist. War. It’s good for the economy they say; it sells American flags. They’re made in China, but still, business is business.

There has been much talk of terrorism in the last decades. I want to say this clearly so it will be well understood: Terrorism is peachy. Otherwise we would not have funded it. It’s stimulating the economy.

This country was built on terrorism. It was not for nothing our founding fathers stole and destroyed tea. It was so that we, their heirs, would be free to steal and destroy tea. Do not let anyone tell you it is not your right to steal and destroy tea! Our boys in uniform fought and died to insure that right. The stores are filled with tea. Go out and do your duty citizen! Anyone who tries to stop you is a traitor.

One principal of private property (the foundation of the Free Market) is that you have the right to slash your own tires.

They’re yours. You paid for them. How dare someone prevent you from slashing your own tires!

Friend, I will fight for your right to slash your own tires—just as I will fight for your right to burn your own flag. Remember, burning flags is good for the economy. Stimulates flag sales. Anyone who tells you otherwise is anti-business and anti-American. They are traitors.

You can either be pro-business or anti-flag burning. Logic dictates you cannot be both. Those who cannot choose are wishy-washy liberals. Which is just another word for traitor. Stand in the middle of the road long enough, buddy, and I will run you down.

I say defend your rights: Slash a tire today!

If you do not use your rights you will surely lose them. I understand you may not want to slash the tires on the car you drive to work. You shouldn’t let that stop you. Let me suggest that you slash the tires of city police or state patrol vehicles.

Do you not pay taxes? Are those not, in fact, your vehicles?

How could any politician argue otherwise? Do they not all promise to “slash government?” You are just doing your part to help. You are a patriot and you are defending your rights—as well as the rights of all Americans. Anyone who disagrees is a traitor.

Those tires are yours to give and yours to take away. If they don’t want you to slash them, perhaps they should have business pay for them instead. The businesses write the laws in this country, so they might as well write some checks for the upkeep of their government. They already give money to the politicians and parties, why not to the government? Why should they expect us to pick up the tab?

The business of government is the business of business. That is why businessmen run and control the business of government.

We hold this truth to be self evident: that the business of government shall never perish from the earth. To secure this truth, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the businesses governed. Whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of business to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.

The Pepsi generation is ready for a fight.

Will we leave the field scattered with paper cups and bottle-caps with “Sorry, not a winner” imprinted under them?

We may have no choice.

Thankfully, ideology only brings out the best in people.

Whenever terrible things happen the intelligentsia inform you the age of humor has ended. Because they don’t want you to have anything.

Will there be funny jokes during the suffering? Yes, there will be funny jokes during the suffering. But the laughter will be desperate.

This country used to have slaves. But the word was distasteful. So we replaced it with other words more socially acceptable.

Under the new regime poets shall be stripped of their words and forced to communicate via color wheel.

Why is there so much disaffection in the USA? Because people there have been trying to buy happiness for too long, and it isn’t working.

People always say “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” But they never say the reverse, “if it’s broke, fix it!”

You can’t buy happiness. Happiness is given away in exchange for personal data used for advertising.

After the terrible election fiasco, the USA is finally getting back to normal with another mass school shooting.

I have the best nightmares. They are the stuff other nightmares are made of. No one can defeat my nightmares. My nightmares are winners.

“All groups are inherently exclusionary or will inevitably become exclusionary.” I read that on a men’s room wall when I was 19.

‪Sometimes I am informed how lucky I am to be a man. Other times I am informed I am not a man. It’s a controversial definition. ‬

Honestly, when I was in kindergarten, first day, I couldn’t figure out which bathroom to use. But I got it eventually. Now I just go anywhere.

A sales circular says these are the final days. Apocalypse news filters through in store displays. Everyone pays in different ways.

‪”Only in America!” As Yakoff Smirnoff would say, would the phrase “water is life” be controversial.‬

It’s been a long emotional journey. But I’m ready to eat pancakes again. I just can’t afford them.