Writing

What you see

In all fairness, the wicked witch was also known to screech “What a world!” when she was extremely happy.
So, for the half-observant monkey – all was well.

Things in which

Things in which some people believe: miracles, daydreams, me.

Things one can be the prince of: peace, darkness, frogs, whales.

Places you can rock: you can always rock the Casbah.
Times in which you can rock: all night (but only if you party every day), around-the-clock, ages.

Things that come in packs: wolves, cigarettes, fools, some inclined animals, mentalities, lies. Malarky comes in bunches.

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Movies for the seeing impaired

Jodi: Sometimes your facial expressions don’t match the situation. At all.
Me: Oh, no, they are always correct expressions. We are just out-of-sync.
***
Seeing a movie at the Capitol theater a week or so ago. The movie starts. WB logo comes on screen. A woman’s voice says, “LOGO, CENTER SCREEN.” It is a strange choice, I think, esthetically. The voice reads the text appearing on screen. “In space, survival is impossible.”
The voice starts to describe the action on screen. People float in space. One dances to music. One is frustrated. I am pleased the voice will be explaining facial expressions as we go.

The film stops cold. The blackness of space is replaced with the blackness of nothing. Two completely different blacknesses.
Someone says, “They are fixing the sound. It was playing the soundtrack for the visually impaired headsets.”
The film begins again at the beginning.

I watch the film regretting what could have been. As the film passed the previous stopping point I am left to wonder what the narrator would say. Probably information to enrich my moviegoing experience. In space narration is possible, but optional and limited.

***
By the way, I prefer the version of Charles Chaplin’s “Gold Rush” that he re-released after sound came in. Chaplin narrates the silent film all the way through. Critics revile this version. I love it.

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At the existential sandwich shop, your sandwich calls you

At the existential sandwich shop your sandwich talks to you. It is unclear if the power of speech and thought is conveyed by the quality ingredients or by the artisan construction. The sandwich philosopher behind the counter, when asked, shrugs her shoulders and says, “Who can say?”
Still, you eat it. What else can you do? When confronted with a talking sandwich in an existential sandwich shop it is a simple equation of eat or be eaten.
Still, you know it is wrong.

If I like you I will write you a poem. If not you will live the rest of your life without poetry.

 

Police procedural

I looked at the items assembled upon the table. I said to my partner, “These are the raw ingredients for trouble.”
He said, “Not to worry. They have to be assembled in exactly the correct order. At exactly the right temperature. For exactly the right amount of time. Anything less renders them inert.”
Our relief was short-lived. Even as he uttered his last word both our eyes wandered directly to the left. There, sitting upon the counter, open, was a cookbook. It was open to the chapter on trouble.
“Dammit,” uttered my partner. “Is there no end to the misery caused by cookbooks?”
Continue reading…

Your Swedish Ancestry

You, like many others, have doubtlessly spent long sleepless nights wondering, “Am I a Swede?”

Now it is possible for you to realize your full family history- from It’s humble beginnings in a young Swede named Leif Haagstrom to your distant cousin of today, the new Deputy Undersecretary to the Assistant Regent of the Communist Party of China, Hu Waang.

Leif, a prolific breeder, has initiated a line of descendants that include not only the Haagstroms and their derivatives, but all people named Bragg, Strommbol, Povorich, O’Riley, Chang, and thousands more.
Through some fluke that is best not explained, he is also the ancestor of every person living today with the first name “Craig.”
If you see a Craig at any time in the journey of life, please grasp him or her firmly to your breast and exclaim, “Cousin!”

In this way we can all learn to appreciate the struggles of our ancestors.

Thank you.
The Craig Foundation.
Please send money.

He’s not a bear doctor

Doctor: This is really quite serious. Your anxiety is now causing physical symptoms.
Me: I see. Will it break free all those emotions I jailed inside a cardboard box all those years ago?
Doctor: Perhaps. Wait, you did what?
Me: Confined all my emotions to a cardboard box and taped it up.
Doctor: I’m pretty sure you’re never supposed to do that.
Me: Yes, cardboard was a very poor choice. But, in my defense, it held a lot longer than you would think.
Doctor: When you look outside the window do you see something resembling Edvard Munch’s painting The Scream?
Me: Yes. Yes, that is exactly what I see. Isn’t that what everybody sees when they look outside the window?
Doctor: No.
Me: I also see a pack of wolves attacking a clown.
Doctor: Oh, I’m afraid that is very real. Wolves have to eat.

Doctor: I’m going to put you on an anti- anxiety drug.
Me: My fear is that I need my anxiety. I mean, what if an anti-anxiety drug dulls my ability to fight off a confrontation with a bear?
Doctor: When was the last time you had a confrontation with a bear?
Me: Oh Doctor, you know so little about bears. It is the readiness, at all times, to deal with a bear incursion that wards off bears.

A statement of belief

I believe in multiple universes, but I am willing to give this belief up if it’s proved otherwise or if all the other universes are destroyed.
All I ask is that you refrain from destroying all other parallel universes just to prove your point.